I get off, I clean up, I button up and as I come back from the bathroom I see that the porno is still running on the computer. There’s a welling embarrassment, a tinge of disgust, I reach to close the lid, but I take pause, and in the interest of contemporary anthropology I sit back down and watch a bit longer.

He has been ramming his cock down her throat for over 20 minutes now. The roughness of it astounds me. I wonder if they know each other or they just met. If there is money changing hands, and if so where it comes from, because I’m certainly not paying. Does she enjoy this? Does he? Do people actually fuck like this at home? The whole thing is entirely context-free.

I’ve tried a bit of bondage from time to time. This may sound creepy, but I can’t see the point of tying someone up unless they actually need to be restrained. To stop them running away. Ibiza, San Antonio, a hotel room, a sexy young air hostess was lying in bed next to me, she didn’t want to have sex, but I had a roll of PVC tape in my bag and I had a good mind to tie her up and fuck her roughly. There’s a word for that type of thing, I think they call it rape, and I understand that shit will get you thrown in jail. Except you wouldn’t believe the number of girls who tell me they fantasize about being raped.

Imagine you’re working on a porn set and then you sue the director for alleged sexual harassment. No sex allowed in the workplace, but what if the workplace revolves around sex? There’s this whole thing about consent.

I went skydiving a little while back, a tandem accelerated free-fall, I was strapped to the instructor pretty damn tight, couldn’t move an inch, and as we got higher and higher, I was getting pretty afraid, I wanted to back out, wanted to shout the safe word, but we didn’t have one, and then I’m hanging out the door and my eyes are wide, and I’m taking deep breaths and then we’re falling, falling, falling into nothing. It’s total bondage. People get a kick out of that kind of thing. Nudity and sex are not actually required.

Do you know what sexual dimorphism is? In a given species, one sex may be bigger than the other. Do you know that lions may actually kill their own cubs so that the lioness will go back into heat? Domination is part of life.

The porno is still going, she’s lying on her back, her head tilted backwards, he’s got his cock as far down her throat as it will go. I wonder if she’ll fantasize about this moment later when she’s in bed alone. I’m looking at the guys abdominals, he is definitely more muscular than me, he could be considered a prime specimen. I’d like to have his body, although when I look around me I really I’m in much better shape than the overwhelming majority of the population. If I had stand-out abs I’d get more pussy, that’s what the covers of Men’s Health magazines are shouting at me right?

I’d like to see original pornography, something entirely different. This is all so cliché. Maybe I should get round to making some myself. I can’t stand it any more, I close the lid and go raid the fridge instead.